Day 64-65: testing…testing

Today, Addie had her first evaluation with the clinic here.  I was worried that we would not be able to do much today, and they had forewarned me that some children take a few sessions to do the entire evaluation.  She had also been sick the night before (threw up three times, a side effect of getting into some dark chocolate brownies).  She was tired, I was tired, and I thought that it would be a disaster.

I was pleasantly surprised at how well she did.  She interacted with the three specialists who worked with her today; then again, she had the undivided attention of three adults today, which is a rare treat for the youngest of three.  She surprised me with how well she can sort and distinguish between shapes, sizes, and colors.  She is very physically active and coordinated.  She also shows obvious lacking in colors, counting, and in speaking.  If you watch her, you can see her thinking and usually comprehending what you are saying, but she cannot say a lot herself.  She was unfocused as usual, but she was more focused today than she was the last visit, which helped them evaluate her better.

We will go back another day to discuss any plans of action for her, and she has a hearing test scheduled within the month.  I love that there is not definite diagnosis or condition being attached to her or even mentioned.  It seems like that would be unnerving, but it makes me feel good that the specialists are taking their time and want to really work with her without a label or preconceived idea.  The three women today were wonderful – so patient and diligent with her.  I was impressed with the clinic, the staff, and with my own child today.

Despite this, I still feel incredibly sad about all of it.  Believe me, I am thrilled that we are getting the ball rolling on help and guidance.  It takes a lot for me to ask for help, and now that I have, I am glad that it is available and that we are taking it.  At the same time, I still can’t help but wish that it wasn’t like this.  This is the wish of every parent though – for the perfect child.  It is unrealistic, since no child, parent, or situation is ever perfect.  If anything, this process is reminding me of how much I do love Addie.  There are days where I question myself as a mother and wonder if she hates me.  Knowing that this is not all my fault and that there are things I can be doing to help her make me feel better.  I also watched my child today with a new outlook and perspective, as a child who needs a little more patience (although I’m always running thin on that), a little more guidance, and as much love as I can give her.  I may not always have  ample time, patience, or energy, but I can always give out love.

I’ll keep posting on what we find out and what changes.  In the mean time, thank you for all the support.  I’ve got great friends helping me here and friends and family supporting me through the phone and computer as well.  It means a lot, even if you just let me cry to you.  For now, this is what I know – and it’s a start!

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