Day 35: worries

In case you have not noticed yet, I’m pretty close to my family.  Quite honestly, I am freakishly close to all of them.  I never realized how rare that was until I left home and met other people from all over the country (and now the world).  I have always loved being a part of a big family, and I love being the oldest.  I feel so connected to my siblings and my mom, even though I usually live far away from them.  We talk constantly, we share nearly everything, and when one of us hurts, all of us do.  I wrote an essay in high school comparing my family to a mafia family – you hurt one of us, we’re all coming for you!

There is a downfall to all this closeness though, and that is the constant concern and worry for one another.  Like I said, there are five children in my family.  This means that there is always something happening with at least one of us.  Sometimes these are good things, and other times they are not so good things.  Without divulging family problems or secrets, I can say that for the past four years, there have been some good times but far too many not so good times for my siblings, mom, and I.  Whether I am there or not there with my family, when they hurt, I hurt.  When life is tough, I want more than anything to make things easier.  Beyond wanting to help, I worry.  Constantly.

Now, do I bring this on myself?  Probably.  I could try to worry less.  Then again, ask my husband how that argument goes.  I’m going to worry because I love my family.  I would worry about them even if things were going well.  I think I was born more of a worrier than most (that’s from my Grandma Shirley.  I just hope I don’t grow to shake with anxiety like she did).  One could say that these problems are not my problems, so I should not worry about them.  I counter that by using the closeness I have to my family, thus meaning that their problems are my problems by default.  I may not have responsibility for their challenges and struggles, but I still feel for them.

On top of this, I always worry about my husband.  This is another situation that I cannot control and cannot change (believe me, if I could, I would!).  I think about him all day.  It is ironic, but it always takes him leaving for me to fully realize how much I need him in my life.  I need him for more than just killing large spiders and playing the games with the kids that I won’t.  I need him because he is my spouse, my friend, my confidante, and my companion.  I worry about him not returning to me and for his safety and health.  I hurt for him and ache for him.  And of course, I worry.

So even though I am not with them and I cannot change anything, I will still worry.  And I will also talk to them, listen to them, offer what I can, and hope for the best.  I love my family more than I can begin to explain.  I know that they would and have done the same for me.  Some may think it is too close, but I think our closeness is the best part of my slightly crazy, chaotic, wonderful family.  I wouldn’t trade any of them.  Now if I could only harness some teleporting abilities, I could see them whenever I worry too…ah, here’s to the future.

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