We have survived two full weeks with Andy gone. This is the turning point for a deployment, at least for the girls and I. We have established some routines, ways of functioning without Andy here. We are less visibly sad, i.e. less crying. The younger girls are starting to understand that Daddy is gone for a long time. We talk together about Daddy and cherish even a few seconds that we can talk to him, but our lives are resuming some regularity. It is bittersweet – I want us to move past the distance and to retain some normalcy, but I don’t want us to get too comfortable with it either. I am not a fan of wallowing in pity and sadness, and I have never been the wife that sits at home the entire deployment. I really want to take advantage of our current country of residence, even if it is more challenging with three kids. But I still want to be sad.
I know that sounds weird – you want to be sad? I don’t want the can’t get out of bed sadness. I just want to keep this deep longing for my husband. I don’t want to get too used to doing things on my own or to sleeping alone. I don’t want to enjoy getting first dibs on the middle of the brownies or enjoy never having to adjust the seat in the car. Sure, it can be nice to never have to argue over what movie to watch or to not worry about shaving my legs all the time (too much information, but so very true). I want to be sad that Andy is gone and to not forget all the things that I take for granted. Yes, we adjust to life without Andy, but I never want things to get easier. We need Daddy/Andy – we can manage for the time being, but we wish we didn’t have to.
So for any of you reading this, yes, we are getting along better and better everyday, not by choice but by necessity. The days are not going by any faster, but they are getting a less painful.