Day 5: I’ll sleep when I’m dead

I have not been sleeping lately.  I toss and turn at night, or I wake up and cannot fall back asleep.  I would like to blame the absence of my husband, but I really cannot place the blame entirely on this.  He told me how I am a restless sleeper, flopping around on the bed and fighting with multiple blankets that I had to have in order to sleep initially.  I normally wake up at least once a night, roll over or use the bathroom, then fall back asleep.  This past week, I have been laying awake in my bed for hours trying to fall asleep.  It does not matter what I do.  I alternate between hot and cold.  I try watching tv or reading.  I try laying in silence.  I have tried total darkness or having some light from the hallway.  I have even tried sleeping on the couch, as if perhaps my wonderfully comfortable bed may be the problem.  Thankfully, that isn’t.

If Andy was here, I would take some Tylenol PM and zonk out for at least one night, just to get some solid rest.  When he is gone, I have a hard time doing that.  A few months ago, I had a dream that Addie woke up in the night, walked out our front door, and was roaming our neighborhood.  Since then, I am afraid of sleeping too deeply when I am the only parent home.  I do not want to complain – as I said, I have a very comfortable bed and a warm home to stay in.  But these restless nights are already taking a toll on me.  I have less patience with my kids, and coffee alone does not sustain me.  I find myself crashing around noon, but I cannot nap just because I’m tired.  Lord knows what would happen if I left a 4 and a 2 year old unattended for even 5 minutes.  I cannot imagine how I will be if this continues.  I wonder how I functioned even a few years ago.  When I was first in college, I could stay up until 1 or 2 in the morning studying and still wake up in the morning to take care of Anya.  Now, I’m lucky if I can drag myself to the coffee maker in the morning, and that’s on a good night of sleep.  And I’m still in my twenties!

Tonight, I am going to try a warm bath and an old movie to relax me (any guesses as to which movie I have seen a million times that will always put me to sleep?  Anyone?  Andy knows….it’s “Bridget Jones’s Diary”).  All I want is a good solid 6-7 hours of sleep, just so I can function like the mom I know I am.  Here’s to hopeful thinking.


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