I have not been sleeping lately. I toss and turn at night, or I wake up and cannot fall back asleep. I would like to blame the absence of my husband, but I really cannot place the blame entirely on this. He told me how I am a restless sleeper, flopping around on the bed and fighting with multiple blankets that I had to have in order to sleep initially. I normally wake up at least once a night, roll over or use the bathroom, then fall back asleep. This past week, I have been laying awake in my bed for hours trying to fall asleep. It does not matter what I do. I alternate between hot and cold. I try watching tv or reading. I try laying in silence. I have tried total darkness or having some light from the hallway. I have even tried sleeping on the couch, as if perhaps my wonderfully comfortable bed may be the problem. Thankfully, that isn’t.
If Andy was here, I would take some Tylenol PM and zonk out for at least one night, just to get some solid rest. When he is gone, I have a hard time doing that. A few months ago, I had a dream that Addie woke up in the night, walked out our front door, and was roaming our neighborhood. Since then, I am afraid of sleeping too deeply when I am the only parent home. I do not want to complain – as I said, I have a very comfortable bed and a warm home to stay in. But these restless nights are already taking a toll on me. I have less patience with my kids, and coffee alone does not sustain me. I find myself crashing around noon, but I cannot nap just because I’m tired. Lord knows what would happen if I left a 4 and a 2 year old unattended for even 5 minutes. I cannot imagine how I will be if this continues. I wonder how I functioned even a few years ago. When I was first in college, I could stay up until 1 or 2 in the morning studying and still wake up in the morning to take care of Anya. Now, I’m lucky if I can drag myself to the coffee maker in the morning, and that’s on a good night of sleep. And I’m still in my twenties!
Tonight, I am going to try a warm bath and an old movie to relax me (any guesses as to which movie I have seen a million times that will always put me to sleep? Anyone? Andy knows….it’s “Bridget Jones’s Diary”). All I want is a good solid 6-7 hours of sleep, just so I can function like the mom I know I am. Here’s to hopeful thinking.